I'm at that stage in life where I'm just feeling terribly lost. I have one year left of my degree and no idea what I want to do after it. In fact, I often feel like I don't want to do anything after it. I'm a creature of habit (and probably a tiny bit OCD) but I like doing things that I've already done. When I go to my lectures I always leave at the same time and aim to sit in the same seat. I like having a routine - I always start with my left arm when I'm in the shower and I always eat my roast dinners one food at a time, in the same order (sadly these examples are just the tip of the iceberg.)

 

In short, welcome to the odd but mostly monotonous and prosaic insight into my life.

 

What the above might have subtly suggested is that I don't really like putting myself out there. Doing that requires making changes and my body no longer copes well with trying something new or different. To be fair, I don't think it ever did but as children we are, on the whole, far more adaptable. It's like I've hit the ongoing dilemma - the desire to move on to new aspects of life and make the most of all the great opportunities we're lucky enough to be offered, coupled with the overwhelming nausea inspired by the fear of rejection. The not-knowing how something is going to pan out.

 

I've had a lot of knock backs this year, as I'm sure everyone has. I'm not entirely sure how it's even possible to have done so, but my confidence seems to have dropped even lower than usual. Which is making it even harder to accept that in just over a year, I'm going to be graduating. The thought of having a job itself isn't too worrying - I've had a one before and I know that although I get horrendously nervous, I can cope. (Eventually.)

 

I think I'm more concerned about being the new girl, about not being up to scratch (and that's if I can even get a job once I graduate.) Basically I think I have a bit of an inferiority complex and yeah, it does stop me doing things because I'm scared I won't be good enough. It's like The Smiths say in their beautifully woeful song 'Ask':

 

"Shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to"

 

 

But sometimes I am brave. Sometimes I push (well, force) myself to do things I wouldn't usually do. And sometimes it's great and I feel so much better for it. But just as often (if not more often) it's horrendous, I get knocked back and I can feel myself bitterly reminding myself why I don't do this. Why I don't put myself out there.

 

Take internships and summer jobs. I've applied for a few over the last few months and like a lot of people I've been constantly rejected. And every time I think to myself that supposedly comforting saying of get knocked down 7 times, get back up 8. But I have to say that the older I get, the harder it is to get back up.

 

But then I think to myself about the many, many people who have it worse than I do, which usually results in some guilt-induced eating, but then I pick myself up, dust myself off and dive back into my routine. It's a bit of a vicious circle really; anytime I break out of my norm, the moment it all goes wrong I become even more fastidiously repetitive than before. I guess I'm just scared that it's getting harder to shake off these confidence knocks, but in reality as soon as I leave university they're probably going to become even more commonplace.

 

So what's the answer?

 

I think I'm still trying to figure that out. I'm just not one of those incredibly effervescent people who gets over things terribly quickly (I have a lot of flaws - just saying.)  I will say it helps to have a really good set of friends. They have a habit of finding incredibly amusing YouTube videos that definitely help to take your mind off things. I tried only pushing myself for things I really wanted, to lesson the frequency of rejections but as it turned out, this only serves to make rejection less familiar and all the more painful. So at the end of this very wordy post (sorry) it seems I can offer very few tips (sorry again!) But I guess because I'm still on this learning curve myself, I'll let you know when I know.

 

Deal?  Deal.

 

(And just in case, like me, you're stressed out by exams, feeling low about life or just in general need of a pick-me-up,  my brother showed me this video and it tickles me ever such a lot. I'm not even a massive fan of the movies!)

 

 

 

Enjoy,

 

Jade :)